The Bad Reputation of Self-Publishing

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Joan Jett may not give a damn about her bad reputation, but it’s frustrating when you want to be taken seriously by a culture at large and most of your peers are a gaggle of schmucks.

As a self-published author, I hate my fellow self-published authors. Those “other” jerks give us all a bad name. I know. I know. I’m not supposed to say that. I’m supposed to be supportive of my colleagues. Show some solidarity. Well, fuck that!

Fuck you.

Fuck you.

And fuck you too.

Those assholes are screwing everything up and they all need to have their keyboards taken away permanently. I’ve seen some of the shit those twatwaffles publish. Do they even know what the word “proofread” means? Do they ever go back and read a single fucking sentence? There is no excuse to put out such crap. Leaving out punctuation marks!? Using “your” instead of “you’re” and “there” instead of “their”!? Inexplicable line breaks in the middle of paragraphs!? Who formatted your shit!? Stevie Wonder & Ray Charles Publishing!? These “authors” are either lazy or stupid (or both) and I don’t have any respect for either of those traits. Go fuck yourselves, you stupid lazy assholes.

Look, I’m not saying professionally published books are flawless. Of course they’re not. Even famous authors have typos in their books from time to time. But, they don’t have typos on every other goddamn page. Just the other day, I read a website for a New York Times bestselling author with a typo in her biography. I rolled my eyes, irritated by such unprofessionalism. And people think being self-published is “unprofessional”? I’ve got news for you – even traditional publishing houses have typographical and grammatical errors in their books. This is why I’m scornful of editors. The “professional” publishing industry constantly touts the fact that self-published authors are somehow inferior due to things like a lack of editors and proofreaders. Oh, really? I call bullshit. Because so-called “professional” authors who get snatched up by big publishing houses, and get their books on the New York Times bestseller list, still have typos in their fucking biographies! And sure, maybe the professional authors never put words like “fucking” in their blogs, but at least I can fucking punctuate a sentence and spell the word “fucking” properly.

She’s also my age and was first published 7 years after me. Once again, I am constantly reminded how much I’ve been slacking.

As usual, I’m getting off track. I’m not writing this to whine about the ineptitude of professional publishers. I’m writing this to whine about the ineptitude of self-publishers (because theirs is far worse).

All I’m saying is, if you want to do this yourself, care a little. I don’t expect a 180,000 word book to be flawless. My own books have infinitesimal, minor flaws. A typo here. A missed word there. You will make mistakes. We all do. But can you please stop releasing books with mistakes on 60% of the pages? Can’t you at least get your book 98% flawless? Can you check your work? Put forth more effort? It’s not just about the writing. It’s about the full package. The book cover. The spelling. The formatting. The font choices. The print quality. Everything. Don’t you owe it to yourself to get it right? We are all so privileged, as writers, to live during this era of humanity. Advances in publishing technology are truly astounding these past 5 to 10 years. For the first time in any generation of the world, all it takes is a computer and a trivial monetary investment to publish a real book! A book you can purchase from anywhere on earth and have delivered to your doorstep! The opportunity is unprecedented in the entirety of human history! It’s truly a miraculous fortuity for all people and a magical period for all authors to be alive.

However…

Technology to permit self-publishing is like the genetic cloning used in Jurassic Park – “Yeah, yeah, but your scientists were so preoccupied with whether or not they could that they didn’t stop to think if they should.”

Most of you should not. Most of you need to go back to third-grade phonics classes instead. Someone needs to teach you how to use a dictionary and thesaurus. A fucking spell-checker would be a treat too – do you even question what those red squiggly lines are there for!? These unprofessional pieces of trash you write should never see the light of day and you should be embarrassed to proclaim knowing anything about the English language.

Unless…

Unless you’re one of those really hot 19 to 22 year old chicks writing trashy, steamy, romance novellas. Then all is forgiven.

You like bad boys, huh? And older guys too?

Nice.

Ever ridden along the beach on a motorcycle?

Call me.